Bitter Days and Better Days

Ok, so I guess one REALLY important factor that I should share with everyone is that I suffer from I guess what they would call clinical depression. Not very proud to say it. Not very excited to have the world know all of my little secrets and quirks, BUT i guess if we are going to lay it all out there then it is important for people to understand EXACTLY where I am coming from.

So I am not sharing this to get anyone's empathy or sympathy or even to give people ammunition against me (of course that part is inevitable) but I share it because a person's mood is a REALLY big part of why they eat and why they do (or do not) exercise.

I have stated before that I am an emotional eater and I have found that the more depressed I become (thus my current funk) the more I eat and the more I self loath. The more I eat and the more I self loath, ultimately the less I go to the gym and do not exercise.

Now it has been awhile since I had a really bad bout with depression (no, I am not medicated) and I had it hit me REALLY bad about 3 weeks ago. Well I was finding ways of coping with it because I have spent MANY hours with a therapist who has helped me to learn the causes of my depression and how to avoid the pitfalls, when I had a VERY hectic week last week and I did not get into Kody's to work out. When I began to miss my workouts, this is when I found myself spiraling into the nastiness of my depression. It is a pretty crappy place. It involves A LOT of crying, a lot of anger, a lot of food, well you get the picture.

Yesterday I had Jenn send me a text saying basically "Get your A@@ back in there and see Cliff and Kitty!" So I did. The funny thing was as I was walking in the door I began to cry even then because my emotions were just bubbling over and not in a good way. I got myself under control (my biggest fear is looking out of control! HA!) and I walked in and Shilo waved at me. Shilo has taken over training for us because Carl got called back to Provo on a family emergency. I hesitantly waved and smiled back and went and got changed. I had been working that morning which is REALLY hard to do when you feel terrible emotionally and I needed to put my workout clothes on.

After I changed, I went over to Shilo, who was helping another gentleman, and she asks me "you ready for me to kick your butt today?" Shilo is awesome! I smiled and replied "yes" and so she told me to go warm up on the treadmill because she was going to be about 15 minutes with gentleman she was already working with.

I jumped on the treadmill and started running and the more I ran, the better I felt. It was different though because I had been running at home the week before but this just felt different in my mind. Don't ask me why. I can not explain the reasoning behind it, all I know is that FOR ME, I needed to know that someone, besides me, cared!

So the whole reason for this story is let people know that the reason we have started this Healthy Edge is not just for the competition side of things, BUT FOR THE COMPANIONSHIP! We truly are trying to create a community for those who are wanting make a POSITIVE change in their lives. IT WILL NOT BE EASY!!! If I had not had Jenn tell me people missed me, if I had not had Shilo care enough to "kick my butt" :) then I would have more than likely surrendered myself to my depression. It truly takes support to do this. A lifestyle change IS NOT EASY! It takes LOTS of work and you will see success and you WILL SEE FAILURE! I do not say this to be mean but to let people know the reality of the situation. Anyone can do anything for a short period of time, BUT only those who a good support team can make a change on a permanent level. It is those who have had the chance to taste failure that will truly know what it is like to succeed and make a true change in their lives.

I hope this helps you! AND I AM GOING TO WORKOUT AGAIN TODAY! Man, I am so sore from yesterday, GOOD JOB SHILO!

Michelle 2-12-2009